Greetings conversationalists all across the fruited plain, it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow Phantom Lord and this is the all mighty Rant of the Week. I’m coming to you always from my bunker in the urban cesspool that is Brooklyn, New York and you know it’s almost summer by how moody I am getting. See the house I live in is what you would call a heat magnet. The slanted roof and its dark tiles draw sunlight down and in the summer this house becomes like an oven. We’re not technically in the summer yet but I can just sense it’s going to be a fun one.
So as I sit here and try to piece together a stream of thoughts long enough to call a column, as usual I’m thinking of the choices I’ve made. This column made it to about 70 or so editions on Lords of Pain and then that unpleasantness with me and Calvin happened. According to the file name system I use, this is column number 38 since I was ex-communicated from LOP. Give or take its coming up on two years at the end of August. A lot has happened in the world of wrestling in those two years. I could have probably had closer to 50 columns by now, but I’m a pretty lazy person when it comes down to it and when I’m burned out I am burned out. But when I think back on it a lot has happened in the last two years.
John Cena was WWE Champion in 2005 and uhh well he’s still WWE Champion (but at least he’s gotten better).
Shawn Michaels was overselling his ass off in 2005 and having good matches and uhh well he still does that (but at least he got his bad wheel fixed so he’ll have one less thing to milk)
Rob Van Dam was one of the most over guys on in the whole company in 2005 and well he still is but the WWE is gonna job him out at One Night Stand (TNA better not f*** up Sabu and RVD’s debut in the fall…oh who am I kidding this is TNA).
Randy Orton was being held back in 2005 and he still is now. But the only difference is, he’s being held back now because he’s a schmuck (Randy you can’t party like your dad did in 85 with Piper).
Mark Henry came back from a devastating injury in 2005 and he just did the same again (Place your bets as to when he tears a muscle or blows out his knee again).
It’s funny I just saw the Mizark Henry bit from DX does the Nation the other day and almost 10 years later we still ask this question.
MIZARK Henry how do you get yo pecks to go all the way around to yo back?
I know the old saying those who live in glass houses should not cast stones works true here when it comes to me personally, but I wouldn’t be calling myself the world’s strongest man especially in form fitting spandex like he does.
Moving along, in less then a week it’s the third annual One Night Stand PPV. Well I should use third and annual very loosely because this PPV will be nothing like the first two. First off it’s now WWE One Night Stand. Secondly the ever paranoid Stephanie McMahon insisted the show be moved out of New York because we unruly New Yawker’s would some how sabotage the show because somehow Paul Heyman would get us to. And finally third the show’s only being given about a weeks worth of promotion. I’m guessing the WWE is intentionally doing this to sabotage the PPV so they don’t have to another one next year because the buy rates will be so low it won’t be worth it. TNA can live with 60,000 buys but not the WWE by gawd (yeah like TNA draws numbers that high anyway).
To say this PPV is going to be a train wreck would be an understatement. Well if it were a train wreck it would be slightly better then what it will actually be. As it stands here’s the current card for the show. A lot can happen between now and Smackdown so I figure a bunch of matches will be lumped on to it during then because nothing says build like throwing those match on the card three days before the show.
As it stands right now this is the card for the PPV with less then six days to go.
WWE Champion John Cena vs. The Great Khali (Pinfalls Count Anywhere Match)
ECW World Champion Mr. McMahon vs. Bobby Lashley (Street Fight)
World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs. Batista (Steel Cage Match)
World Tag Team Champions The Hardys vs. The World's Greatest Tag Team (Ladder
Match)
Melina vs Candice Michelle (Pudding Match)
On paper its not a bad card. I mean you can expect The Hardy’s and Benjamin/Haas to put on a hell of ladder match. Edge/Batista should be a good cage match. The two main events are going to be hit or miss. I think it’s a given Lashley is winning the belt back. Why they keep pushing Lashley I don’t know, but he has to win this match. The whole point of him “overcoming the odds” is that he beat Vince for the title. Oh of course there will be run in’s galore and Vince will tap a gusher in the process. But if Lashley doesn’t win back the title they might as well throw in the towel on Bobby’s usefulness.
The other main event is John Cena vs. The Great Khali in a falls count anywhere match. Now some of you might wonder what the difference between a street fight and a falls count anywhere match. Basically a street fight has to end in the ring. Technically it’s supposed to be like the old Bunkhouse matches where you come as you are and beat the shit out of each other. Falls Count Anywhere is exactly that and in the WWE it means brawl to the stage for some huge stunt.
A few years ago they had Shane vs. The Big Show in one of these matches and it ended with Shane hitting an elbow off the top of a scaffold rig onto a prone Big Show being held by Test on a giant crash pad disguised as a mini stage. It’s pretty much a given we will see some sort of contrived spot to end this match. Cena is obviously going to win because no one would be crazy enough to put title on Khali. I of course blame Roland Alexander of All Pro Wrestling for finding the big lug to begin with.
This is all your fault Roland. It’s your fault we have to suffer through this big loaf.
But on the plus side at least John Cena is at the point where he no longer sucks. When he finally got the advantage on Khali two weeks ago and he got the big loaf to tap out I’ll admit I marked out. I hate Khali so much that I was glad that he was finally beaten. But since the WWE is so predictable when I saw his foot on the rope I knew they would use that as an excuse to do a rematch. So now we get this falls count anywhere match. Basically they are building this match around the story of can Cena finally pick up the beast and FU him for the win. It’s like can Hogan slam Andre only on a much suckier level.
Edge has to be thinking to himself thank God I’m on Smackdown. According to The Observer he’s getting a much deserved long title run as world champion. The cage match with BATISTAMA should be interesting. Edge is a miracle worker and as long as Big Dave is motivated it should be a good one. Of course I will forever hate BATISTAMA because he whined like a little bitch and got Ariel (Shelly Martinez) fired after she put him in place after he apparently made some remarks about women having no place in the ring and stealing a spot that could be used for him on the show. So I’m hoping Edge beats Batista and puts him on his place. If we’re lucky then with this impending Tri-Brand draft BATISTAMA will be sent back to RAW so Triple H can go back to working with him.
The Ladder match has the potential to be a show stealer but it also has the potential for disaster. You would think the WWE would lay off spur of the moment ladder matches after poor Joey Mercury almost got his face imploded by a ladder shot. But everything on the PPV is under “EXTREME RULES” so every match has to have a gimmick. It’s a shame they hot shotted Benjamin/Haas into this match because the Cade/Murdoch vs. Hardys PURE SPORTS BUILD feud has been awesome.
GIT R DONE Airlines takes flight
I mean how you can’t mark out for that? When Murdoch gave the look of I’m gonna go up top and he leaped I was like damn that’s the most awesome thing I’ve seen in ages. People accuse me of not being a wrestling fan, well when I see something like that I say that’s why I am a wrestling fan.
When we come to the next match I have trouble saying the same. A Non-Title pudding match between Candice and Melina. I think the WWE has come full circle and they have officially run out of ideas. These pudding matches seemed like a novel idea back in 1999, but in 2007 not so much. I mean it was Melina and Candice it wasn’t like you were going to get a joshi stiff fest or even one of those SHIMMER bouts everyone seems to rave over. But a pudding match? Well I guess it is extreme. But then again the only thing extreme in this match will probably be a boob popping out and no one noticing because the pudding umm uhh has it uh covered…yeah that’s the ticket.
Like I said earlier the rest of the card is probably being slapped together and will be revealed on Smackdown. In the observer there was this news bit about the buyrates and I’m gonna say the same will apply to One Night Stand and every WWE PPV not named Royal Rumble, Wrestlemania, Summerslam, and The Survivor Series.
The number hasn't officially come out yet (it will in about two weeks), but company sources are saying that there was "significant disappointment" in the buyrate for last month's Backlash pay-per-view. Considering that it was promoted as a three-brand show, they were expecting a lot more buys than whatever number they got.
Now I’m guessing the number is somewhere under 200,000 buys for this PPV. I’m actually getting tired of having to explain why people don’t want to order PPV’s anymore. Has nothing to with gimmick matches or celebrity involvement or any other catch you can think of.
According to the schedule there are 15 PPV’s this year from the WWE. If one was to order them all you would be spending $609.25.
OVER SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR PPV’S. There’s your reason right there why the buyrates are falling. To paraphrase Dusty Rhodes, we American’s are livin in hard times. We simply can not accord to spend $40 a PPV. One Night Stand is sandwiched in between Judgment Day and Vengeance. In a span of less then a month there will be 3 ppv’s and at $40 a pop that’s $120. My family’s cable bill alone is over $150 every month (get cable, internet and phone on one bill and save my ass). If you’re going to do three ppv’s in a month you have to expect a loss because people will choose one show and go with that. Now maybe the novelty of every match being extreme will pop the rating. I have been wrong before, but considering how weak the promotion for this show has been I seriously doubt it.
So when these executives in the WWE are “disappointed” when the buyrates are low all they have to do is look at themselves as to why that is. Honestly it amazes me that the WWE stock is at a two year high right now. Well it is until we find out how much of a hit WWE films took on the profits. It’s a shame about The Condemned. Back in the early 90’s that would have been a perfect film for Jean Claude Van Dam or Steven Segal. So remember folk’s when you order a PPV part of that money is going to fund the next See No Evil or Marine. The next movie which has been on the bubble for years is a movie with Triple H called Jornada del Muerto (Journey of Death). According to IMDB it’s slated to be released in 2009. It’s going to be some sort of post apocalyptic western. I mean it sounds pretty cool, but this movie has been in development for a long time. It will be interesting to see Triple H in this role, but I guess it would have been type casting to have The Undertaker in this if there’s motorcycles and gangs involved. If there was ever a guy born to be in a new Mad Max type movie it’s The Undertaker.
Hmm maybe that’s why they jacked up the price of Wrestlemania to $50. They gotta pay for this movie. At least the WWE is smart enough to realize that straight to DVD is where the money is.
It’s funny how these things all tie together when you think about it. All I know is if this PPV doesn’t do really well in the narrow minded eyes of the WWE’s executive board then kiss the last remaining part of ECW good bye. Remember when we were all excited when we heard ECW was coming back. It’s amazing what can happen in a year. To think if the lowly ECW fans only embraced John Cena. If we only embraced him in his match with RVD then maybe ECW wouldn’t have become the latest play toy for Vince and his insecure ego.
Nah, it was always doomed to fail. We just didn’t think it would be this quick.
Well on that note I am done for this week. I plan on being back next week because God knows I will probably have a lot to talk about post One Night Stand.
Before I go, kudos to RVD for putting over Randy Orton last night. RVD made it look like his brain got scrambled with the mother of all concussions. And when Randy nailed the RKO and RVD took it like a damn piledriver that got a HOLY SHIT out of me. So to all you people who say RVD can’t wrestle or sell I suggest you watch this match. Randy Orton might be a schmuck when it comes to his off time, but THE LEGEND KILLER IS BACK and that is a good thing. I can’t wait to see who he gives a concussion to next.
So until next time remember someone has to give you this information and it DAMN well has got to be me.
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